Hello, May

Highlights past and present, rants, etc:

• "I don't know how you do it!". A sentence or comment that sends me into a fucking tailspin. How do I do it? Is there an alternative, because shit, I seriously can admit I feel like running away 5+ times a week! I love, love, love all of my kids, but they can take everything out of me. One whining or crying while trying to pacify two others at a time makes me want to mainline my wine. I am a calm person, with a short fuse. The kids set me off and can make me see red in 0-60. I yell, I yell and I know it's not right, but it's not 100% wrong. I apologize and step back and we talk. I don't care if someone wants to judge that. I can read 1000 books, but I don't have time, in fact, I haven't had the time to read a book on that subject since I was pregnant, there is even still a bookmark in "What to Expect When You're Expecting: The First Year". I don't have all the answers, but I know at the end of the day, my kids love and respect me, so, I am not wrong or terrible. I sleep at night, so we are okay. They bend and break rules, I get it, it's also my  job to set them straight. Just, don't ask me how I do it. 
• I've had money, I've had no money. Right now I've got a lot of no money. The light at the end of the tunnel is nearing, it is so close I can see some shadows, but it will take time. I look forward to the day of not living paycheck to paycheck, of deciding what bill gets paid, what waits. The next few months are going to be of change; end of child support, end of some daycare expense. It's all so close! Nothing stresses me out more or keeps me awake at night than finances. I drive myself crazy, I drive my husband crazy, and it turns to crankiness where I shouldn't be cranky, but I know with every confidence, it will get better sooner than later.
• My 20th high school reunion (TWENTY) is coming up in July. I'm excited, I'm nervous. I think it will be fun but I will stress on it until then, I have no doubt! I'm looking forward to seeing many, anxious to see some. I think the era of Facebook has changed the playing field. We're able to keep up a bit more with others. Trying to remember names to faces shouldn't be as hard....we shall see!
• I hate commuting. I love my work team, I love my house. I cannot move my house, and my company won't move closer to me, so here I am. I can only work harder to get the time I need to work at home a day or two. That is a goal for the year. With school starting for the oldest in the Fall (okay, August is not the Fall, but okay), I have to be available more. This will happen. For the commute, I will bitch, moan, and complain, but it's part of the job. We don't go out much because our weekends are spent doing what we cannot do during the week. That said, we make the best of what we can while at home. That is the price to pay, for now, that is okay. As the kids get older, we'll venture out more. YOU try taking three untrained monkeys out with two parents....Ah, the silence. 
• I like to cook and bake things at home, and there's pluses and minuses to it. Sometimes, I wish I could say it's okay to say fuckit, let's get fast food. I'm not okay with it. I am very much a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do parent. If left to my own devices, I may grab a fast food taco or burger, once in a while. With the kids, I just don't. Sure, we do take-out once in a while (pizza, Chinese, Mexican, etc), but I've not done the drive-thru thing. I just can't bring myself to do it no matter how late I am getting home, I've made a commitment not to. I've been successful so far! Do the get treats? Absolutely. 90% of the time it's something I baked at home, or fruit, which they still thing is a bonus food! I do the best I can within my means. I'm not deluded to think that baking isn't "healthy", but I know what goes into it, plus love! Too much white flour? Yes, but nobody is perfect :)
• I'm fascinated with essential oils and trying to learn more about them and their different uses. I'm experimenting with calming, anxiety, and focusing blends...
• Sean and I celebrated our 13th/8th anniversary last week. It seems like forever ago that we met, and were inseparable from that day forward. Our lives have changed in so many ways it just amazes me that we were able to do it together! We've had so many ups and downs and have stuck with and by each other. We've cried and laughed together. We've lost family members, and gained other members of family, together. We tried and tried for a family, only to have the great fortune of having more than we bargained for unexpectedly and naturally. I don't say it enough, I hope he knows just how much I love and appreciate him, that I wouldn't be standing here as whole as I am today, without him.
• The kids are doing so, so, so great. D will be starting Kindergarten in a few months. That kid has the energy of no one else I know! He tests his limits and ours to the extreme every single waking moment, but is the sweetest kid the next second. It's hard to not blow up at him, but we do our best. This is the second week in a row he has done a 180 in the morning routines; he now gets up with his alarm, comes down to get ready and dressed on his own, and, therefore, earns a breakfast treat and some hot cocoa. Usually, the kid moves at a snail's pace and there's just no time for him to get food at home in the mornings (thank you daycare for providing breakfast)! The twins are growing by leaps and bounds. They are so different from one another it is very interesting to watch. K reminds me of her big brother; she's fiery, adventurous, defiant, uses her smile and sweets to get her way. L is more quiet, more independent in his playing style, has a temper but is the cuddler. All make me so happy and proud to be a mommy each and every day, even if I want to hide in a barrel of wine at the end of said day ;)