Dark Days

It was reiterated to me this morning by a comment that my husband made this morning that I'm still not okay over something that happened, yet I have not verbalized yet to anyone, even him. The comment was about how well Thing 2 sleeps over Thing 1, and how well Thing 1 slept when her head was elevated when she was at home during the time Thing 2 was in the hospital. (Insert tears.) Sean probably didn't notice I got choked up because I didn't want him to. Here's the long story medium-long, when Thing 2 got very sick mid-January and was hospitalized, I had the shit scared out of me and have not recovered. The RSV virus was going around our home, and the twins were so young that Thing 2 got hit VERY hard and was taken to the ER and then hospitalized for a week and a half. During those days I felt so alone and scared. He and I showed up at the ER which is about 20-30 minutes from our house, waited in the waiting room to be seen another 20 minutes, and when we entered triage, he was whisked away from me, his color was gray, his breathing was labored. Nurses worked on him and asked me to call and get the dad there, ASAP, if possible. I thought for sure I was going to lose him. That is a feeling I cannot block or push down. I was scared. I lived in the hospital for a week and a half with a helpless five week old, tubes in his mouth and nose, IV in his arm...it tore me up inside. Thank (insert deity of your choice) I do have friends, family, and coworkers who went above and beyond making sure we were okay. I would not have made it without them.

The bright side? Well, Thing 2 is very much alive and well. He's growing daily, and while he's always been a serious baby, he's a happy baby. Every smile we get I cherish. But kids and hospitals...the mere mention of both words together gets my gut all wrenched up and and brings tears to my eyes. Never do I want to be back in that dark place or see any of my children suffering and that sick again.